Where Else Would I Go?

I’ve been asked a handful of times by other people why I still love and follow God when He allowed so much suffering into my life, culminating in Greg’s death and becoming a widow at age 35. The question doesn’t surprise me because I've asked it of myself. And I know I'm not the only one who has struggled with this because walking away from God when He doesn’t meet our expectations is nothing new.

Greg's death felt like the closing of the door to Heaven. A resounding “No” to more than a decade of prayers for God to heal him, preserve his life, relieve him from mental and physical agony, and give us the life that I wanted. A simple life. A normal life. A healthy life.

When Greg died and it became abundantly clear that God's answer was no, I had to face reality: God does not exist to satisfy my wishes and desires. He doesn’t need to please or appease me. He is not under my control. I can either worship Him for who He is or storm away in anger, refusing to surrender to the God who is calling the shots.

In C.S. Lewis' oft-quoted The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, the character of Lucy learns about the lion Aslan, who is king of Narnia. Her first question when she hears about him is, "Is he safe?"

I get that. I too would be okay with a lion, if the lion would behave like a domestic kitten. I’d be okay with a lion that has no sharp claws or teeth, that comes when called and that depends on me and thus wants my goodwill. Far scarier is an independent lion who is far more powerful than I - who could destroy me with one pounce.

In the same way, God as He reveals Himself in scripture is far scarier than we want Him to be. He is in control and has no needs. He owes us nothing. We have made ourselves His enemies. He could destroy us.

So is He safe?

Just as Mr. Beaver explains to Lucy in response to her question about Aslan, …”who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.”

He isn’t safe. But He is good.

We cannot control Him but we can rest in His control because He knows us and loves us more than we can imagine. He doesn't do our bidding but life works best when we do His. He doesn't use His power to destroy us, but takes the very things that are destroying us and somehow uses them for our good. He promises not to keep us safe in this life but to keep us safe forever after death. He suffered so one day our suffering will end. He calls the shots so we can trust that one day He will call us home to Him.

This is our God. This is the only God we ultimately get to worship.

When Greg died I learned with certainty that God is not safe. He would not do as I bid or relent from His will just because I didn't like it. But I also learned that He is good, keeps all His promises, and never, ever leaves us or forsakes us, even when our worst nightmares come true.

So the question became simple: Would I surrender to the God who is or try to find the safety and control I crave somewhere else?

I was reminded of an interaction Jesus had with the disciples. A crowd had been following Jesus but they became disillusioned when he refused to play by their rules, make their lives easy, and deliver them from the things they hated. They liked that he had power but they wanted his power to be under their control. They wanted a king who would do their bidding and because he refused, they left. All but his disciples.

When it was just Jesus and the twelve men left, he turned to them and said,

"“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.” (John 6:67-69)

Those words rang in my heart when Greg died. Yes, I was disappointed with God. Yes, I was heart broken and confused. Yes, I couldn't understand why God would allow Greg's life to end so suddenly. But where else would I go but to God? I could run to my own strength but I had none. I could run to the world's ideas of finding peace within myself but there's no hope to be found within. I could run to science and naturalism but science is limited and nature is broken. I could run to despair but that would only lead to deeper darkness.

Or I could run to the One who said no, who I couldn't control, who sometimes allows things as awful as death, but whose words lead to eternal life.

So why do I still follow Him?

The answer is simple: Where else would I go?

He alone has the words to eternal life.