As I went to sleep last night, after an exhausting day of remembering, grieving and celebrating Greg, I felt okay.
That alone is a stunning thing to think and write. I actually paused after I wrote it, dissecting in my mind if that word is true - did I really feel okay?
I did.
Not because I wasn't sad - I was.
Not because I don't miss Greg - I do.
Not because I have no more questions about how or why he died - they linger.
Not because life is easy and I'm content without him - it isn't and I'm not.
I felt okay because I thought ahead to the next year and knew with confidence that God would get me through, whatever comes.
I think back to the first, second, and even third anniversaries of Greg's death and I felt so exhausted and burdened. I wondered how I would ever make it through another year. The emotional, mental and physical toll of grief and single parenting felt like too much to bear.
It actually still does.
But - I have 4 years of God's faithfulness under my belt. 4 years of taking deep breaths and trying again. 4 years of whispered prayers of desperation. 4 years of questions and uncertainty. 4 years of sadness and joy held at the same time.
4 years of evidence that one day at a time - or one minute at a time on some really bad days - God will see me through.
Do I think this coming year will be easy? Nope.
Am I ready for what will come? Surely not.
Will I have to experience new layers of grief and new griefs that bring more sadness? Most likely.
But will God carry me through it all? Yes. He has in the past and he's promised he will again.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:6-8
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