This past week marked the 17th anniversary of mine and Greg’s wedding... and fourth since he died. To celebrate, my son and I ate our favorite desserts from The Cheesecake Factory and watched Greg's and my wedding video.
We giggled at the funny jokes during the toasts and had a good laugh at the awkward guest interviews my brother did. I teared up watching Greg serenade while his brother played piano and we both grinned big when Greg wept as I walked down the aisle.
Since watching, I can’t stop thinking about something the pastor said. During his message to us he remarked that he’d performed around 250 weddings during his years in ministry and that of all the couples, we were the most ready for marriage. Those attending had a good laugh and exchanged knowing looks. We all knew he was referring to the prior October.
The toasts were also full of references to October. October: when Greg had 3 cardiac arrests as a college senior just months after our engagement. October: which in some people's eyes earned me the title of “angel” or “steadfast” or “ready” for marriage because I didn’t leave my finance's side when his life was in limbo and the prognosis grim. October: which made our already serious preparations for marriage that much more so and fused us with a bond that few have before their wedding. October was significant, it’s true. But were we really ready for marriage?
Well yes, we were. And no, we weren’t. We were ready to commit to each other, to join our lives and to forsake being individual autonomous people and become one in God’s eyes. We’d had all the conversations, done all the prep, and ready or not it was time to take the leap. Marriage, like most things in life, can only be prepared for until a point. Some things you can only learn after the vows are exchanged.
But we were decidedly not ready for all that would come over the next 13 years. We thought we’d made it through our share of troubles and had no clue it was just the prelude. Nothing can prepare a couple - especially newlyweds in their early 20s - for terminal diagnosis, terrifying surgeries, years of relentless medical problems, the impact of suffering on the spiritual, mental and physical health, and the strain living in the constant threat of death puts on a marriage.
Yet, as Andrew Peterson sings in his song about marriage, “It was harder than we’d dreamed but I believe that’s what the promise is for.”
Marriage at its core is a ready or not proposition. You have no clue what will come, how the person will change over time or what blows life will deal when you say I do. You say I do to better or worse, richer or poorer and most notably in our case, sickness and health.
Gos doesn’t let us know what will come ahead of time, nor does he guarantee us pain-free lives and problem-free marriages. He simply says, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9) and ready or not, we commit to each other and jump into the unknown.
We were ready and we were not ready. The years made our marriage stronger, even as they ripped us to shreds. And because of those vows, we had each other come what may… all the way until death did us part.