Grief keeps taking me to Texas: the last place I ever wanted to go.
I grew up terrified of tornadoes- an odd fear for someone living in the mid-Atlantic, far from tornado alley. Blame the Twister movie or our car trips to see family in the Midwest combined with my obsession with weather… whatever the cause, the fear was real.
When Greg and I had to go to a Colorado every couple summers, I made it clear to him that we’d either by flying or driving far up north to avoid the plains. Texas? No thanks. Everything’s bigger in Texas and I’d heard that tornadoes are too.
So it strikes me as incredibly surprising that I’ve flown to Texas on my own volition twice in the last two months. It’s the last place I ever thought I’d visit, but loss has a way of changing things.
6 weeks ago I went to spend time with my widowed sisters. We’ve been walking the road of grief together for 2.5 years and it’d be hard to find a place I wouldn’t go to spend time with them. There’s nothing like being with those who get it: who don’t ignore or fear grief; who are living fully while clinging to Jesus and facing all the good, bad, ugly and unexpected blessings that this journey brings.
Before the last trip I told my dear friend who lives in Texas that I’d be in her state but too far away and too briefly to visit. Sometime I’d come, I promised.
I never expected to be returning weeks later for the burial of her husband. Once again I’m back in Texas but it’s for a new season of grief, one that’s only begun.
His death happened so suddenly. I received an email from him one day and just days later, he was gone. It’s shocking, numbing, surreal, horrible, sad, unbelievable and real. Nothing would keep me from coming to say goodbye. It’s a goodbye I hate and dread. But he is worthy of the travel and a real goodbye. It’s going to take my heart a long time to catch up with my head knowledge that he’s gone. His burial is step 1 in recognizing that this is all real and now I will be missing him until I see him again in eternity with the Lord.
Death has changed things for me. I used to fear tornadoes - and yeah, I certainly don’t want to face one - now other fears loom larger. Life feels more fragile and less predictable but also more worth living. I’m under no illusion that I can keep myself alive beyond the day the Lord has planned for me to die. Keeping loved ones alive, well, it’s far harder than we think. Death has forced me to surrender the lie of control, the idea that avoiding certain things (or states) will ensure my safety. Death has shown me just how much everything can change in a second.
So now, I want to show up for my people - even in Texas. I want to be with my people and celebrate them when they are alive, and grieve them when they are gone.
Because Texas might be full of tornadoes, but it’s also full of people I love. And those precious people mean the world to me. I’ll hold them close while they’re still here.
But tomorrow I will grieve, because one of them - whose presence in my life meant so much - is gone.
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