It's no secret that boys need their dads. Open any parenting book and the message is clear: without an involved father, boys falter. There are countless tales of absent fathers leaving behind a wake of pain, addiction, depression, identity crises and more.
So what's a single mother to do? We're often encouraged to find mentors for our sons but that can feel impossible. Where is the group of good men who have enough emotional and physical energy to give their own families plus someone else’s? I certainly haven’t found them and none of my widowed friends have either. Expecting a single mom to find someone to fill in the gap left behind by a father is setting her up for discouragement and failure.
At first this reality felt so defeating to me. We’d already lost so much and I was afraid of what would happen to my son if no one filled in the gap left by his father.
In the 3.5 years since my husband died, it’s become abundantly clear that no one can and no one will. There simply isn’t a way to make up for a dad's absence. But that doesn’t mean it’s hopeless.
Years ago, when I was going through a tough season, my therapist encouraged me to think of the needs I had as a pie. Instead of looking for one person to fulfill the needs (even if they were needs they should’ve filled), I would allow them to give what they were able and look to others to fill in the rest. This is how I approach my sons fatherlessness now. My husband left behind 100s - no, 1000s - of gaps in my son's life. And while no one can fill them all there are slivers of the “pie” that can be filled, one person and one intentional moment at a time.
Here's a glimpse into some ways that friends and family have "fathered" my son since his dad's death:
Played soccer with him
Invited us over to watch his dad’s favorite NFL team
Taught him to play video games
Helped him practice throwing a football
Celebrated his birthday, complete with piñata as his dad would’ve done
Taught him to have a firm hand shake
Encouraged him as a soccer coach and spoke words of affirmation
Invited him to sit with him and his son at events
Took him to dinner and had intentional conversations with him
Helped him buy me a Mother’s Day gift
Talked to him about his dad (fun stories, ways he reminds the person of his dad, etc.)
Let him help with home repairs so he can learn new skills
Gave him a tool kit
Bought him deodorant and other older-boy items that a dad would know to get
Helped me pick out clothes, shoes and swim trunks for him
Took him fishing
Showed up for his soccer games to cheer him on
Took him sledding with his own kids
Took him deeper into the ocean to swim and play than I was comfortable going myself
Took him skiing down slopes when I needed a break
Drove school carpool and engaged him in conversation
Led his Sunday School and VBS classes
Modeled being an intentional and faithful dad with his own family
This list is far from exhaustive but it gives a glimpse. No one, not even the most committed friends or family, have been able to make up for his fatherlessness. But they have been able to fill in little gaps here and there. They've modeled what it means to be a man (something many boys see daily but my son could go weeks without seeing), intentionally spent time with him, and helped me as I navigate the uncharted territory of raising a growing boy by myself.
As he grows into his teen years, the presence of trustworthy men in his life will only become more important. In moments when I am tempted to panic at the thought of raising him alone, I look around and remember that the little investments of family friends, teachers, coaches, family, pastors, etc. matter. They cannot make up for his fatherlessness but they can provide moments of fathering on his journey toward becoming a man.
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